So, it’s barely week 2 of August and I have to call it “quits” on the Sealey Challenge. I’ll leave up my previous post with the four books I read, but I have realized some things about myself and my time and my life right now. And I’m going to give myself some grace.

1. I barely have “free” time.

1a. Motherhood is tough for me. I spend a lot of my free time thinking about my kids. It’s so weird. I finally have time to myself and I either collapse on the couch to stream a cooking show and stare at pictures of my kids OR I want to play a video game that I’ve been trying to finish for three years.

1b. Phone addiction is real and tough to break. I’d rather have a book in my hand, and yet I inadvertently find myself scrolling the nonsense on social media over and over again. I am not sure what to do about this because digital well-being has not worked for me in the past.

2. And when I do, the last thing I want to do is read something I’ve “assigned” myself to read.

2a. Assigned reading sucks, even when I love the books/authors. I stare at the books propped up next to me on the nightstand at night and I find myself searching for something else. (Currently still reading So To Speak by Terrance Hayes, but also reading The Retreat by Sarah Pearse because crime thrillers are my jam).

3. I have been trying to prove myself to someone/the writing community by doing this challenge, and I haven’t been enjoying it.

3a. This challenge felt like work, like I was trying to prove myself to some nameless person or persons who value these types of things for clout or something. I felt like if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t be part of the poetry community. Like it was some necessary bragging I had to have under my belt.

3b. I don’t enjoy this pressure I’ve put on myself to prove I’m a worthy poet or participant in the poetry community. I am worthy. I have worth and my poems have worth.

I don’t really know how to end this post, but I do know when I read poetry books I want to spend time with them, I don’t want to breeze through and try to make it all in one day. I’ve got to spend time with these works–however long that takes.